Post: #1

I had to cut ties with my best friend the other night. It made me really consider who my actual friends are so I sat down and wrote a list of people who I maintain contact with on a regular basis and attempted to organize them into different categories.

As Reddit would say, Explain to me like I'm 5. (ELI5)
How do you personally establish boundaries with your friends and people in general? How do you define a friend and different tiers of friends, ie, best friends vs lifelong friends / family, etc. What do you deem as acceptable and not acceptable, and how do you convey this to them? Do you have verbal filters depending on who you talk to? How does this filter system work?

This might seem silly but I greatly value and appreciate your input. It's high time that I start setting boundaries. Thanks!

Post: #2

Hey Arsenic,

The very fact that you have recognized this as a behaviour is huge!!!

Personally, I view boundaries as defined by two words:

Reasonable

and

Unreasonable


Then I just ask which word describes a particular behaviour within the proper context.

Boundaries are just another word for order, which is why people with poor boundaries are drawn to chaos. We call it "civilization" for a reason.

Cheers!

Post: #3

I'm a loyal and respectful type of guy.

Everything else does NOT make the friend list.

1. Once you learn a person's CHARACTER, you'll know if they did or said a certain thing. Mistake of many to not get to know the character/s of those who hang around you.

2. Life repeats itself. Learn HOW things work, not WHY things work is my moto. As per your friend hanging out with your ex. Those kinds of stories are TOO MANY! You should KNOW, a man is a man, and a woman is a woman. All is takes is ONE THOUGHT for the idea of getting with your friend's ex, and before know it, you can't stop thinking about it.

None of my friends are allowed to sit in my house until I get home, if I'm living with my honey. The takes that possibility out of the equation. But still, unless he rapes her, he can't do anything that she doesn't allow. "THAT GUY IS ALWAYS LOOKING AT ME!" is a song well versed. So, tell me, how does she know he's always looking at her?

3. Keep living and learning, and PAY ATTENTION!

Post: #4

(04-17-2017 11:38 AM)Arsenic Wrote:  I had to cut ties with my best friend the other night. It made me really consider who my actual friends are so I sat down and wrote a list of people who I maintain contact with on a regular basis and attempted to organize them into different categories.

As Reddit would say, Explain to me like I'm 5. (ELI5)
How do you personally establish boundaries with your friends and people in general? How do you define a friend and different tiers of friends, ie, best friends vs lifelong friends / family, etc. What do you deem as acceptable and not acceptable, and how do you convey this to them? Do you have verbal filters depending on who you talk to? How does this filter system work?

This might seem silly but I greatly value and appreciate your input. It's high time that I start setting boundaries. Thanks!

This is a matter concerning how you deal with different people in real life.

Here is a short story. I had a good female friend who I laughed and joked with. We were friends for years. We were not very close friends but we did enjoy each other's company. One day she introduced me to her sister. Her sister made a joking comment to me. It was something friends who know each other would say to one another and not get offended. I'd just met her and we didn't have that kind of understanding established yet.

I wasn't super offended because I realized her sister probably talked about me all of the time and she felt that she knew me through her sisters experiences with me. I kept her at a distance until we got to know each other better.

You let people into your inner circle a little at a time as trust and mutual understanding is established.

To manage friends and levels you have to manage time. Manage the time you spend with certain people. Learn to say "No".

Separating friends into various levels is all about establishing boundaries. The better a friend the fewer boundaries. Better friends have more access to you and your time.

There are two people here who no longer have access to my attention or my time. I've blocked them. Then there are people who PM me for advice. If they are cool I help them Vendors and users alike PM me for advice on pheromones or PU techniques or girl problems.

Full boundaries (blocked) are set for those who do not fit into my definition of a friend.

Having a boundary means that you mentally establish how far the other person can go.

Two of my friends were talking to each other. This is how the conversation went:

Friend 1:Why are you like that!

Friend 2: I don't know Maybe I get it from my mother.

Friend 1: Can we ask her? Oh wait, she's dead. We'll have to go to the cemetery and dig her up to ask her.

The last line from friend one requires an established understanding between friend 1 and friend 2.

I have many guys who I've been friends with for 20+ years. The basis of friendship is trust and respect. People who don't respect you cannot be a friend.

People who love you will be with you for as long as you will have them.

Post: #5

Thanks for your input guys. It definitely has my gears turning in the right direction.

Post: #6

To me a good friend is someone who treats me like I treat them. As soon as I see that balance being 1 to 1, that's when I trust'em and lower all of me bounderies. Am more of a numbers person. Unfortunately that's how me brain is wired. And so favors're alike. If I give and that's all that happens and never get anything back, then I'd quit interacting with'em.

There's only a few who meet that criteria for me in me personal life. And just like MMM said, I wouldn't go to their place if they're not there. Matter of fact, I always call'em to see if they're home before I go. And same goes with them. They always call me to check if am home or not. That trust is what makes me think they're good friends.

If that balance has been broken, that's when I quit interacting with'em.

As for how to convey the messege to them? Well something me dad thought me by doing amd showing in real life practically is "IGNORANCE". He's shown me (well not deliberately, but more like practically because of the situation) that sometimes ignoring a person is the best way to show'em that ya don't like'em. Don't get me wrong, this does NOT mean letting them walk all over u. If that happens am the loudest m'fuka they'll meet. But more like completely dropping all the interactions. Completely avoiding them as much as possible. And when they ask why? Ask'em back "Really??? R u a dumb child or something? " trust me that hits'em a lot harder than trying to explain it.

Hope that helps.

Post: #7

Thanks DrChocolate.

I have started a google doc on my personal values and boundaries. I had no idea I could write so much so I'm pleasantly surprised! Its going quite nicely I must say. I'm starting with the basics and then getting into more specifics.

Would anyone mind sharing any other personal boundaries they have? I'm interested in all input here as it gets me thinking on the right track.

Thanks again guys - I really do appreciate the help.

Post: #8

Honestly, I am done with friendship. I don't tag someone close and someone distance. It doesn't matter. Hell, in last 5 years, I had 10 different friends changed. I thought about them as life long friends. They did nothing wrong but I grew up.

In the end, I come to the conclusion: When you are growing too fast, it will be hard to keep friends. Especially, in your college or new workplace. Only, once you settle down, you can enjoy friendship for long.

Here is a thumb rule now for me:

- You should not insult me. No matter where we are and what we are doing.
- You should respect my privacy.
- Don't judge me for anything.
- Don't shame me if I don't help. Yes, a friend should always help other friend is stupid idea. Help when you can. Not always.
- Try to give back as much as you take.
- I should know you for at least a year.

I try to enjoy everyone company. I have tried to think that some people are better than other. In time, I realized everybody is trying to get something out of me and don't care for me. Even the nicest person is the same. They will care for them self before you. You should do the same.

Recently, I just meet people. I will try to get help from them. If they helped or tried to help, then I will consider them a friend. I will keep in touch and try to help back. More simple then above rules.

Also, I have a strong opinion of not to bother people with my sadness or happiness. I will only share my moments with my family or close relative. Like, I can share anything with my real brother. He knows everything about me.

My personality is INTJ. Thus, I have a very hard time connecting with people. Thus, I have stringent rules.

Extroverts can make friends easily. Thus, they will have more friends than introverts any day.

Thanks.

Post: #9

Sometimes the people we call friends, are just the people we've known the longest.

Post: #10

Respect keeps coming up for a reason: it's a key component of masculine relationships. It's easier for me to recognize the ways my friends have enforced boundaries with me. One man, who is my closest friend right now, once corrected me when I said something inappropriate. Very clearly, with no emotion, "The line is behind you, pal." and I never crossed that line again. In fact, it's the only time we've ever had a conflict of any sort because the mutual respect runs high. Now, we're pretty similar in our values and predispositions.

With my other close friends, I can say, "Dude, not cool," or give them a look that is plainly "What the fuck, dude?" and they step back.

What Paradox mentions above is key: friendships progress through layers of intimacy. You don't tell guys you just met about your existential angst, that your mother is going senile, or that you're worried about your upcoming appointment with a neurologist because you might have ALS. Everyone defines the layers differently, but they exist for good reasons that TheLaw said so succinctly.

TheLaw also outlines an excellent model for evaluating the behavior of others. If it is unreasonable, you correct them in whatever way is appropriate for your relationship. It's also more a matter of constant low-intensity corrections that works best, not repress-until-you-blow-up. Just like puppies and toddlers, you've got to correct bad behavior every time with a small, dispassionate redirection of some sort. You don't watch the puppy crap on the Persian rug 15 times with the lazy assumption that he'll figure it out: you go over there as he starts squatting, take him outside, and let him drop a deuce. If you do this consistently, he learns quickly "I'm supposed to do this on the lawn." If you do this every 10th time, he's not going to make the connection. Same with your friends. If they cross a line, you give them a quick "not cool" and then resume whatever you were doing like it never happened. If they keep crossing lines, they are unable to learn and you Next them. See, puppies and toddlers love to learn, and they love to please their owner or parent, respectively. Not all people share that.